an excerpt from my personal writing... Reminiscing about Friends

It is truly amazing how much can change in such a short period of time. I have always been amazed by how, when experiencing things, time seems to go by slowly, but when we look back on it, time passes very fast. It seems like only yesterday I was in high school. Life was so much simpler then. Funny how i thought it was so hard at the time. I know that many people say they would never go back to high school; they'd never want to be a teenager again. Honestly, I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't want to go back to middle school. Those were hard years. High School was fun, easy. In 10th grade, I learned about makeup and sex and all that good stuff. It set the sage for the next two years. 11th grade i started dating my first boyfriend, who was the sweetest person in the world and showed me what being love really feels like. The summer before had changed me life in a good way. It gave me the confidence to follow my desires and helped me to follow the path that has made me the person i am today. Everyone wanted me. Ok maybe not everyone. But looking back, even though I wasn't popular and I didn't belong to any one group, I had friends. I had friends who were seniors and freshman, I had friends who were low on the social totem-pole, as well as, friends who were popular. Don't get me wrong, I had ups and downs during high school. I fought hard against my parents among a variety of things. And yet I consider them the best years of my life so far.
Looking back on it, I'm sure that many of my so called friends used me for something. Which is probably why we are no longer friends anymore. However, I still feel like those were the best years. Sure there were hard times, and many times i felt like i wasn't allowed to be myself. When I was out in the world, a world that had nothing to do with my family I was alive; I was me. I was free to be anyone I wanted to be, free to experience what I wanted and what i needed to experience.

One of the best nights of my life was spent with four of my friends sitting in my car. We had gone to a friends of my friend, house. This particular friend didn't like me much. I was too loud and giggled too much. To him apparently i was just some silly girl. I love to laugh and i've never apologized for that. It's part of who I am. I find the stupid things funny. Many people don't understand me because of my laughing but i don't really care. While you are staring at me like I'm crazy, I'm having a good time laughing. So anyways back to the point, we were kicked out of this friends house and we didn't want to drive around. So we chilled in my car. I had so much fun. Five people packed in my car listening to music, just talking about anything and everything, and laughing a whole lot. I can't think of a better time.

Back to the point of all this. As I'm sitting in a class writing this I'm trying to figure out what made high school the best years of my life instead of college, like it's supposed to be. My life at college leaves much to be desired, especially in the social department. Maybe its cause my friends and I have grown too much in the last five years that we are no longer alike in any way. With distance, it's hard to keep in touch. Add hectic lives us Americans live; it's nearly impossible to really keep in touch. It saddens me how many friends i have lost over the years. Especially over the small things. But really isn't it the small things that make up the bigger picture?
I am used to not fitting in anywhere. I am used to not belonging to anything or anyone. I have never belonged to something for too long. So it really doesn't surprise me. Many people don't understand me. I see things, see the world in a different way than most people. I have changed in many ways. I have discovered what i want to do with my life and have to overcome obstacles to get there. But I know I will. What saddens me truly; what disturbs me, is that i feel more alone than i have ever been. That i feel so alone in a time where i also feel as thought i am coming into the person i am to become. If I could have even a 1/4th of what i had when in high school now. I think it would make all the difference in my happiness. Now how to break out of my shell and embrace change in order to make friend ( which is one the hardest thing for me, always has been), is my next challenge in life.


All this was brought on by the happiness I have experienced in the last few weeks. I have rediscovered an old friend, more like he found me, and I was open enough to let him back into my life. We have been communicating a lot in the past few weeks. I forgot how good a person he was, among a lot of other things. I also forgot how it felt to have someone else make me laugh so much. I haven't been this happy in a long time and I'm just glad that fate has brought us back together as friends. Interesting how life comes full circle sometimes and how fate works. Just wanted to share!