I'm feeling Good!!

Well I don't know if it's because I am back on my meds, or if it's the realization that while I was unintentionally off them I became the person I swore I never would be again but I have gained a bit of confidence and enlightenment.

For some reason I tend to get comfortable, too comfortable, in a place. For example, my job. I got a job and because I need to pay bills and help pay for my wedding, etc, I felt that I couldn't loose or change that job. But I have realized that if I'm not 100%, or even 80% happy at work, then IT'S OK to change my job. The world will not end. I will be ok. I will be better than ok. And I guess I was also afraid of the fact that I'm 27 years old and I am not 100% sure what I want to do with my life. Or the fact that there are so many things I do want to do with my life how do I choose one?. I keep forgetting that THIS IS LIFE. Life is figuring it all out. It's making mistakes and learning from them. It's taking risks. It's learning to believe and trust in yourself. It's about making myself happy first and then working on everyone else. But if I can't make you happy, thats ok too. It's still not the end of the world. I tend to take these matters to heart. Harder than I should. I am my toughest critic.

And so here I am in Portland. I have been here 6 months already. I swore I wouldn't become the person I was in NY. The so obsessed with making ends meet and following the path I thought everyone else thought I should follow that I practically killed myself (not literally) person. And yet this past week I found myself exactly where I didn't want to be. So I am back on my meds, after realizing that loosing my job wasn't the way to go and that the $140 visit was well worth it. I took 2 days to stabilize and rest. And now somehow I have also had this revelation.

With my wedding 4 months away, I am thinking about change. I am going to continue to change the person I am. One small step at a time. And maybe one day, I won't need medication to control my anxiety. But until then I won't let anything stop me from getting my medication. Thank you to the people who have stood by me. First and foremost, my man Collin, who has stood by me even when times were at their toughest. To my mom and my dad for always being just a phone call away and to give advice even when I don't want to hear it. To my true friends, who know just what to say or when to call. I love you all.

Anxiety

 I honestly am not sure of the actual date i was diagnosed but i think it was jan of 2007 perhaps. I could be wrong. Anyways, i have always had some form i believe. In the fourth grade i developed panic attacks which progressively got worse through my teenage years.

    This all is besides the point of this post. I HAVE ANXIETY. I have had it for many years and had it before i even knew what it was. Anxiety affects everyone in different ways. It can change and evolve over time. 

I think one of the hardest things to explain to people is that while you yourself have anxiety or know someone with anxiety; you arent me. You dont experience anxiety like i do. 

For me i start to think about something, anything. It can be something im looking forward to like a trip or something im dreading like a test. Either way, it feels the same. My mind nit picks everything going into that one event. I think about all the things i may need, or all the things that could go wrong... Or whatever. Then my brain doesnt shut off. Not even for sleep.  Then im cranky cause i got no sleep. It gets worse because i get upset at myself for not being able to be normal. To not be able to relax and go with the flow. Sometimes i get OCD and everything has to be perfect. I form a plan and everything needs to go to plan. If it doesnt then i get upset. I get so upset i start to cry and then i cant breath. And sometimes i get angry among all that. 

All of this and more is manageable by taking an antidepressant used as an anti anxiety medication. However, do to losing my job, moving to a new state on the west coast, and having no insurance... I have no doctor, no scripts, no meds. And this is a big issue because it not only effects my every day life. I feel out of control. Ready for a verbal fight at any min. Knowing an emotional breakdown is coming at any min. But it effects my work. And despite me trying my darnedest to not let it ruin my life, i feel not being on meds for the last however many weeks has done more damage than i thought.  

This is a small portion of my very mixed

Up life. I try not to let it define me...

Hopefully my luck will change

Starting tomorrow and i will be able

To get back to being me. But for

Now i feel like i dont belong in

My skin, like its An Itchy wool Sweater not Meant for me. I feel like the switch for

The water works are around the corner but they are on an automatic timer

Set To go off whenever. Who knows when it will be fixed...   

The hardest thing is finding true friends... Cause it seems like when i find them, they show me that it cant always be as good as it gets... It never is.    

Every day is a struggle.