Anxiety

 I honestly am not sure of the actual date i was diagnosed but i think it was jan of 2007 perhaps. I could be wrong. Anyways, i have always had some form i believe. In the fourth grade i developed panic attacks which progressively got worse through my teenage years.

    This all is besides the point of this post. I HAVE ANXIETY. I have had it for many years and had it before i even knew what it was. Anxiety affects everyone in different ways. It can change and evolve over time. 

I think one of the hardest things to explain to people is that while you yourself have anxiety or know someone with anxiety; you arent me. You dont experience anxiety like i do. 

For me i start to think about something, anything. It can be something im looking forward to like a trip or something im dreading like a test. Either way, it feels the same. My mind nit picks everything going into that one event. I think about all the things i may need, or all the things that could go wrong... Or whatever. Then my brain doesnt shut off. Not even for sleep.  Then im cranky cause i got no sleep. It gets worse because i get upset at myself for not being able to be normal. To not be able to relax and go with the flow. Sometimes i get OCD and everything has to be perfect. I form a plan and everything needs to go to plan. If it doesnt then i get upset. I get so upset i start to cry and then i cant breath. And sometimes i get angry among all that. 

All of this and more is manageable by taking an antidepressant used as an anti anxiety medication. However, do to losing my job, moving to a new state on the west coast, and having no insurance... I have no doctor, no scripts, no meds. And this is a big issue because it not only effects my every day life. I feel out of control. Ready for a verbal fight at any min. Knowing an emotional breakdown is coming at any min. But it effects my work. And despite me trying my darnedest to not let it ruin my life, i feel not being on meds for the last however many weeks has done more damage than i thought.  

This is a small portion of my very mixed

Up life. I try not to let it define me...

Hopefully my luck will change

Starting tomorrow and i will be able

To get back to being me. But for

Now i feel like i dont belong in

My skin, like its An Itchy wool Sweater not Meant for me. I feel like the switch for

The water works are around the corner but they are on an automatic timer

Set To go off whenever. Who knows when it will be fixed...   

The hardest thing is finding true friends... Cause it seems like when i find them, they show me that it cant always be as good as it gets... It never is.    

Every day is a struggle.