I'm feeling Good!!

Well I don't know if it's because I am back on my meds, or if it's the realization that while I was unintentionally off them I became the person I swore I never would be again but I have gained a bit of confidence and enlightenment.

For some reason I tend to get comfortable, too comfortable, in a place. For example, my job. I got a job and because I need to pay bills and help pay for my wedding, etc, I felt that I couldn't loose or change that job. But I have realized that if I'm not 100%, or even 80% happy at work, then IT'S OK to change my job. The world will not end. I will be ok. I will be better than ok. And I guess I was also afraid of the fact that I'm 27 years old and I am not 100% sure what I want to do with my life. Or the fact that there are so many things I do want to do with my life how do I choose one?. I keep forgetting that THIS IS LIFE. Life is figuring it all out. It's making mistakes and learning from them. It's taking risks. It's learning to believe and trust in yourself. It's about making myself happy first and then working on everyone else. But if I can't make you happy, thats ok too. It's still not the end of the world. I tend to take these matters to heart. Harder than I should. I am my toughest critic.

And so here I am in Portland. I have been here 6 months already. I swore I wouldn't become the person I was in NY. The so obsessed with making ends meet and following the path I thought everyone else thought I should follow that I practically killed myself (not literally) person. And yet this past week I found myself exactly where I didn't want to be. So I am back on my meds, after realizing that loosing my job wasn't the way to go and that the $140 visit was well worth it. I took 2 days to stabilize and rest. And now somehow I have also had this revelation.

With my wedding 4 months away, I am thinking about change. I am going to continue to change the person I am. One small step at a time. And maybe one day, I won't need medication to control my anxiety. But until then I won't let anything stop me from getting my medication. Thank you to the people who have stood by me. First and foremost, my man Collin, who has stood by me even when times were at their toughest. To my mom and my dad for always being just a phone call away and to give advice even when I don't want to hear it. To my true friends, who know just what to say or when to call. I love you all.