Hello Everyone

So many thoughts in my head, I have no idea where to start. These last few months have been nothing but boring, and stressful. So many life decisions hang in the wind right now. When is Collin gonna find a job? Where are we going to live? Are we moving out of state? Where are going to have our wedding? How are going to be able to afford our wedding? How am I going to pay the heating bill this month? Are my parents going to ever .... ??

   It's exhausting being the only one working. The whole point of moving back to this house which is in the process of being bought, was to save money. Collin then lost his job and none of that happened. We have been here longer than we anticipated.

   It's infuriating to me that while the people closest to me think they've been in my shoes and offer some advice, they really haven't got a clue. It's infuriating to me that I'm the oldest of my siblings and so far I have nothing to show for it. I seem to be the only one truly struggling. I AM ONE OF THOSE POOR PEOPLE.

Ok maybe I'm not completely poor. And I really do realize that I have a lot going for me and I could be way worse off. And for the most part I realize that I'm in the boat I'm in because of the choices I made, whether that be a month ago or 2 years ago. The only thing I can do, is realize my mistakes and learn from them. Keep moving forward.

   It truly is exhausting and hard work. To constantly be the bread winner, and then say on pay day (which is only biweekly which really sucks and makes it near impossible to budget, not that i know how to budget very well but i hope to change that this year!) "Ok, we are broke because every last penny is going to bills." In the last 3 years I have only worked around 5 pay periods at my base hours. Which means, for the majority of the last three years, i have worked some amount of extra hours, usually overtime, on every pay check. And I have nothing to show for it. I have no money in my savings account. Everything goes toward bills. Collin and I don't have a life. I have no friends. The friends I have are mainly work friends. No one has time to hang out. I don't have time to get together. I am always working to try and make some extra cash so that I can pay the bills.

A lot of it has to do with living in NY. I just can't do it anymore. I don't want to live here anymore. This place will eat you alive and leave you with nothing. Which is why we have been trying to leave this place for 2 1/2 years. The last 6 months have been filled with several attempts of Collin looking for work outside of NY and hopes of moving far away from this horrible place. I am praying that this time it will stick.

 So what is in store for Collin and I in 2013? My goal for the both of us is number 1, be happy. This includes, moving out of New York State and Collin getting a job.

And while I know moving out of state is a huge necessity to being happy and moving on with our lives. It scares the hell out of me. I have never really moved. Yes my parents and I have moved from house to house within the hudson valley here in NY. and Yes I moved to school and moved in and out of apartments there. But nothing like this. Collin and I together, on our own, moving across the country.

I pray that this is the answer to our prayers. And I am very positive that it just may be.

So I am sorry if this is way more information than any of the three people who read this was bargaining for. I am sorry if you think that I have it better than most and am just some girl who doesn't know how good she has it and shouldn't be complaining. But this is my blog. By space to sit and write about my life and how i see it. To look back at what i write and say "Hey, I really have come a long way." And maybe one of you can learn something from me, or has a kind word of encouragement to get me through these hard times.

Because my life isn't what I imagined it being, especially at this point. I'll be 27 this year. I've graduated not only high school but college. I have a stable job and man in my life. But I'm not married and I don't have any kids yet. And I'm no where close to being financially on my feet. In high school, everyone, myself included, joked about how at our 10 year reunion I'd be married with 10 kids. Guess the jokes on me, cause by the time we go to our reunion I'll be lucky if I'm married and I won't even be pregnant. Lol. Not that I don't want any of those things. They just aren't happening as fast I had hoped. Life is funny that way, I suppose.

So here's to 2013, Let it be the best year in a long long time. I am sure gonna try my hardest to make it be!